When I Grow Up

No pictures today....   just a bit of journaling for the baby book.

Boring, I know....but I'll try to keep it short.


This has been so heavily on my heart recently, and I wanted to record my thoughts before they were gone.

For as far back as I can remember, all I ever wanted to be was a Mommy.  When being asked as a child "what do you want to be when you grow up," I always answered with a specific career or important sounding job.  But really.....  all I truly wanted to do, was be a mom.

In college, I pursued a degree that I enjoyed, but more importantly... that I thought would accompany mommy-hood the best.  Long before our baby was ever planned....   I was thinking of them.

My dream was always to stay home with our babies.... it's all I wanted in a "career."  But when Troy decided to study medicine, I knew I would be working for much longer than desired.  School would be a long road for him, and me staying home with our children wouldn't work for us.

We took our sweet time having babies.  That was never the plan, but the day I married Troy.... my mommy desires subsided instantly.  I loved him, and our life together, so much....  that I wanted nothing to change.  We were having too much fun....soaking up just one another.  We enjoyed 6 years of marriage.... just the two of us, before the baby desire entered our hearts again.

 But even during those six years of just the two of us, those babies were never far from our thoughts.  We were still keeping them in mind with all life decisions.  Troy chose the field of medicine that he did, largely so that he could be home with his family in the evenings and on weekends.....a rarity in medicine.
I've spent the last 9 and half years working for a company that I knew would be ideal for having young children.  My schedule was a good one for a family.

But then our little baby (pregnancy) arrived....  and I wondered how I would ever for one minute leave them with someone else.  It was devastating to me.  But with Troy in residency....  I knew I would have to.  I would have no choice.

What I didn't know is how strongly Troy would feel about this.  He was immediately in love with our baby, and the idea of it being home.  And from the beginning of pregnancy, he decided that we would do whatever necessary, so that I could stay home with our little one.

And when he said whatever necessary, he meant it.  He said we would sale our home and downsize to an apartment.....  give up a vacation .....  eliminate luxuries that we don't think twice about.... go down to one car....whatever it would take. The thought of giving up my income was scary and almost crazy...  but we would find a way to make it happen.  And we knew it wouldn't be forever.  Residency is nearing completion... and we can somewhat see a light at the end of the long medicine training tunnel.

I of course was on board with all of this.  I knew I would make any sacrifice for this baby.....besides... I would live in a card board box if it meant being with them.  Staying home would feel more like a privilege...  a huge honor....  than it ever would a sacrifice.

For several months we calculated what measures we would need to take to make this happen come July.  But the Lord had other plans.  Plans to take care of us in ways we never thought possible.  Plans to make this an easier transition, and plans to take away our financial concerns and worries regarding this decision.

Plans to make my mommy dream come true.


I know that for those that love me and know me best.....  this disclaimer is not necessary.  But for anyone else... I feel it must be said.  I in no way whatsoever think that childcare is bad, negative, or a poor decision to make for a child.  I know it can be a wonderful thing.  And some of the BEST mommies I know are working mommas.  So this post is not in any way to speak negatively of childcare or working mommies.  I was going to be one myself.....  and even planned and prepared accordingly for many years.

This post is more for my own memories regarding this pregnancy.

So that I never forget what it felt like the day Troy told me he wanted me to stay home, and that he would work to do whatever possible to make it happen.

So that I never forget that long list of sacrifices we were willing to make...  so that my dream could become a reality.

So that I never forget the emotional and special way the Lord continues to bless us in this area of our life.

I am still overwhelmed with all of this...   a husband that is willing to make great sacrifices for a baby he has never met.....and a God who knows what we need...when we need it.....and continues to provide for us in ways we know we don't deserve.

I've sobbed many times over the last month when thinking of this decision... of how it has been made possible.... and how my life becomes more beautiful every day.

Just when I think that life can't be any sweeter......  it does.

Maybe it is hormones....

Or maybe it's that I've realized that I'm finally getting my "when I grow up, I want to be...."

A stay at home mommy.